Schwofield

Its been quiet.  I allowed real life to stop me.  I also don’t have a set schedule sometimes, and I lie to myself about needing sleep.  That is what days off are for.

I want to do this every day, I endeavor to, but the will and desire is holding me back.  It’s moreso fear.  Is this something I am passionate about?  Longevity says yes, but the lack of continual updates says no.  A lot of this comes from being alone and not being a good company for artists.

With a heavy background in essays, one novel finished yet unedited, and several other novels attempted, I think I may doing alot of this wrong.  I’m not sure how creative people do this without creative support, its tough.  As an extrovert I have to do all of the talking, all of the initiation and it becomes tiresome.  No excuses though.  I failed many days, but not tomorrow.  It’s only a failure if I have given up.

I must find a way not only do this, but more, lots more.  I have to do this alone, apparently.  Even though I live in America, my friends will not help me create anything anymore.  They are all full, yet my cup has never been full, even after 17+ years of multiple thought experiments, all going at once.  So much lonliness, but why do I need fellow human beings when I have “imaginary” worlds of existentialism.  They are metaphors for layers so they are are not useless, its still escapism, but it still serves a purpose.

Its taking me a while to realize I’ve been kicked out of my Temple because I am working class.  I’m used to being ignored at churches that have it all, but since I do not like propaganda outside of philosophical tenets, my kind is not welcome, no matter my allegiance to Jesus the Christ.  I would like to reestablish His Order, but I do not wish to make an enemy of the Church now. I’m waiting for it to fall apart.

I have a new hobby, listening to the skies… “looking” for meteors.  I would like to get into astronomy at some point and transition away from IT and into a field of discipline.  IT is liberating and a great opportunity, but much like Security and Sales, its a bad fit.  In America we cannot live without money, and finding what our heart desires is very costly, so many people put their dreams aside so they can eat, and the existenial fear\hatred rots us out from the inside.

Eventually, and if not checked, the human becomes an empty husk.  Perfect for corrupted leaders, they now have fodder\sacrifice for whatever whim bad rulers can come up with to mask their incompetence in matters of state, as well as a way to hide justice\abuse (ethics and morals).

The people have a new hope in their heart, something big is coming.  The forces of evil, the ones in control and who told us the State of Israel was a good idea and still is, they are planning to fight Justice.  They cannot live in the truth, so they are getting the media and their other beasts to double down on chaos.

There is more coming, but I am getting tired, I must get up early tomorrow. Set a schedule, sacrifice sleep.

My first artists goal should be to focus on Spinach and Clint.  Mary is tough to draw in any pose beyond the default 3/4s perspective.  I need to find other artists and immerse myself in the art world.  Let me keep on working, I am getting really close to a Monday-Friday schedule.  Waking up at 5 am, meditation for 30 minutes, then an hour to draw a comic.  I reallllly want to get better as I cannot afford to pay a team to make the cartoon show I want to make.  I have many ideas how to make a system work, but unless I have the confidence to back it up, not a single person will want to work with me.  Also being a little more “conservative” than center makes dealing with artists very difficult.

Without my comic strip artists will not take me seriously, and without the comic strip being draw/written better they really won’t give me the time of day or friendship.   I don’t seem earnest enough for their friendship.  Artists are hard to be friends with, even the starving artists do not want to befriend people like me.  We aren’t worth the time of day to get to know…yet.

Much like the attention/love of a woman, the friendship of an artist must be earned through hard work and dedication.  I’m not there yet.  I must have a consistent strip.  I will find a way.  Also in real life, I need to be better at my job, so there is soo much improvement that needs to be done, currently I am worthless to artists and women alike.  I have not earned their respect.  I do not really need it, I need my own, first and foremost.  Everything else will happen accordingly.

My updates have been sporadic, but I am trying hard to get better; the only way that will happen is if… I…draw…every…day.  Just like my “idol” or the man who turned me onto webcomics, Mike Krahulik.   He is also one of the biggest reasons I believe in God(Adonai).  In some of my darkest times, PA begins streaming him creating his comic and I learn so much.  I apologize I cannot reflect what I have learned….yet, but its helping me to stay the course and draw.  I like his style a lot, and would like to mimic it, but I’m too thick headed to change what I am doing now.  Fumbling and stumbling about like a drunkard until I find my zone.

No one will be able to help me, and I wish I had the support of other artists, but again, where I live, that is not possible.  I must do this all on my own.  Just as it has been foretold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <—- That was comedy, btw.  I like to write, but, that doesn’t matter unless I find a vehicle for it.  I do have a book I should be working on…

This is in response to my previous post.  I’ve planned some lofty goals, but I think I can do this.  I have to do this.  Not just for my self, but for all of humanity!!  It’s vital discipline is learned and the chaos of ones mind is finally put to an (proper) order.  Once I get bang out a Strip 6-7 days a week, I will be at a comfortable level to properly learn how to draw my way.  That’s what art is all about apparently.   Saturdays will be a throw back day, where I post my oldest work first, and work up to the last of the “lost” strips.  Including Sans Merit.

I’m about to head out on for a dog/house sitting adventure, so thanks to the Surface, I can continue making [my] strip.  Its pretty interesting, being on this isolated server on the internet.  There’s a vast ocean of content, and here I am on the fringe of that nightmare.  Here I am, afraid of my own mortality, overwhelmed by the existential angst of living in America and being overly aware of too many things.  Perception and Imagination are becoming one in the same.  A lot of questions are being answered in the Book of the Dead.  Things the Torah was only hinting at, and later what the Midrash exploited.

I like Wisdom, I love it/her.  I just wish I was a better student, rather than mining Chaos looking for Christos.  I found Tikkun Olam.  I was working on it, but I didn’t make the connection until after a personal revelation of time lost.  That’s the problem with depression or navel gazing.  You lose all concept of time.  All time becomes one endless moment of unbearable agony and despair. Each breath becomes hated, and each moment between them, that nothingness, becomes an all too brief relief.  To live in a moment between those living reminders.

Soo much self loathing and hated, for all living things.  That which is hated is considered unholy, and if one is blessed to have any order, that Order becomes the Holy.  This madness is a great conflict, I do not know what a physical battlefield is, but I do know when there are tyrants sapping away at myself and my loved ones.  I was given a beloved, a phantom to lose time and energy, and worst of all place focus on Wisdom and Her, rather than Wisdom and love for all men.  That’s the problem with Faith.  When it borders splitting the mind in too many directions, and then losing control of those self-made splits.

It is all one, it is all from one mind.  One source, one decree that caused the separation, not by choice, but by existing.  In mans eyes, not all men are created equal.