Schwofield

Its been quiet.  I allowed real life to stop me.  I also don’t have a set schedule sometimes, and I lie to myself about needing sleep.  That is what days off are for.

I want to do this every day, I endeavor to, but the will and desire is holding me back.  It’s moreso fear.  Is this something I am passionate about?  Longevity says yes, but the lack of continual updates says no.  A lot of this comes from being alone and not being a good company for artists.

With a heavy background in essays, one novel finished yet unedited, and several other novels attempted, I think I may doing alot of this wrong.  I’m not sure how creative people do this without creative support, its tough.  As an extrovert I have to do all of the talking, all of the initiation and it becomes tiresome.  No excuses though.  I failed many days, but not tomorrow.  It’s only a failure if I have given up.

I must find a way not only do this, but more, lots more.  I have to do this alone, apparently.  Even though I live in America, my friends will not help me create anything anymore.  They are all full, yet my cup has never been full, even after 17+ years of multiple thought experiments, all going at once.  So much lonliness, but why do I need fellow human beings when I have “imaginary” worlds of existentialism.  They are metaphors for layers so they are are not useless, its still escapism, but it still serves a purpose.

Its taking me a while to realize I’ve been kicked out of my Temple because I am working class.  I’m used to being ignored at churches that have it all, but since I do not like propaganda outside of philosophical tenets, my kind is not welcome, no matter my allegiance to Jesus the Christ.  I would like to reestablish His Order, but I do not wish to make an enemy of the Church now. I’m waiting for it to fall apart.

I have a new hobby, listening to the skies… “looking” for meteors.  I would like to get into astronomy at some point and transition away from IT and into a field of discipline.  IT is liberating and a great opportunity, but much like Security and Sales, its a bad fit.  In America we cannot live without money, and finding what our heart desires is very costly, so many people put their dreams aside so they can eat, and the existenial fear\hatred rots us out from the inside.

Eventually, and if not checked, the human becomes an empty husk.  Perfect for corrupted leaders, they now have fodder\sacrifice for whatever whim bad rulers can come up with to mask their incompetence in matters of state, as well as a way to hide justice\abuse (ethics and morals).

The people have a new hope in their heart, something big is coming.  The forces of evil, the ones in control and who told us the State of Israel was a good idea and still is, they are planning to fight Justice.  They cannot live in the truth, so they are getting the media and their other beasts to double down on chaos.

There is more coming, but I am getting tired, I must get up early tomorrow. Set a schedule, sacrifice sleep.