The whole idea of patreon intrigues me.  The idea does not scare me, the idea of me succeeding scares me.  As I hear stories of people ending their life (assuming a private interest doesn’t kill them) some are closer than others, I think about my two examples of people who were severely depressed, Jesus the Christ and Nietzsche.  They have used their depression in the only correct sense, to bring more light into the world.  The more they each suffered the more light they endured to shine.

As a philosopher each day I contemplate my own death, because of two reasons: one I fail every moral and ethical tests by being unable to overcome my own personal “demons” and do the work that needs to be done.  Instead certain tasks involving personal growth and changing my own oil, leave me crying in the fetal position, as long as I don’t force anything, I won’t be in tears.  Thank god for humanity, because of my coworkers I am able to have great conversations that make me feel as if I am on some kind of “right track”.  All I’ve ever wanted was the Truth, and what I received are comics, and a few other creative endeavors.  Unfortunately, not everything is as it seems, God’s broken boy, Me, and without (proper) support, I much like many other sad people will continue to fall.

The OTHER reason is because of the first I am unable to fully take on the abuse from corporate America, back in the day, it was much nicer, but now, in my beloved industry, I am unable to make any substantial movement, except lateral, and now my lovely drive has doubled my gas budget.  $10 an hour is how my employer(s) believe my kind of people are worth.  There is a 401k option but no health insurance.  That’s the bad part of being contracted out, you are at the discretion of the client, who also is also in charge of my wage.  There is a reason why civilians cannot afford to be in this industry, without military service compensation (VA and stipend), going to work slowly bleeds us dry.  The stress caused by this is immense.  There is no escape at this point, no way out.


I have to wait until each moment I can release my angst through creation(s).  Unfortunately I can see that I am filled with rage constantly, and have outbursts where I plead (with God) for some kind of comfort, either with a female who is capable of helping me turn this floodgate into a dam, or if by some magical chance, some human being looks out our contract and realizes that we are human beings.  Someone has to, right?  I don’t think any industry gets as much hate than this one, sadly its a tie between which company hates us more, our parent company, or our client.  I do understand why we need our humanity stripped from us more than the military: we are a reflection of how private interest deals with humanity.  They are either far removed, like our politicians, or, well, the alternative is negligence and that “evil” side of the spectrum, for now I will have to assume it is ignorance from disdain, not hatred.  To assume the lattermost thing I previously wrote, would make me an enemy of the (current) state, because I am against that kind of dross.

Or, the last thing that would make things better, would be a healthcare plan that removes all cost from me (other than gas to get there), which also includes natural alternatives so I can ease the burden of the doctors, so those who are truly in need can see specialists.  Could my depression have been naturally managed a decade ago when it began?  I would have tried it along with the appropriate behavioral corrections.  I would have also approved of taking ADHD medicine to help me focus correctly, but the last time I tried asking for it, my doctor knew better and put me on Sertaline.  When I was talking to him about my work related anxiety, I was in tears, I really did need something powerful and immediate, but from the attitude I received I was a junkie.

A decade ago medical marijuana and proper support and me drawing more would have put me in a better position than I find myself now.  Now legal marijuana is laughable as no one thought to put a stop on how much it will be taxed, but it doesn’t matter, the stores will follow the unethical and immoral practices and drive up the cost.  So prices will exist to gouge the tourist, or those who want to be on the right side of the law.  But how can the common pay for gouged prices when he wont be making any more money?  He has to do MORE with less.

Last time I checked food and work cost money, and me, along with my fellow Americans are running out.  We are also running out of patience and are wondering how many people will have to die before these problems are realistically addressed.  Corruption is one thing, but health is another.  I really want to draw, so very badly, all I want to do is create and make Schwocraft, as well as make Schwofield into something great.

Unfortunately, I don’t seem to have that same hope any more, especially now as I rage out because I am stressed to the point where I feel like I cannot handle my next crisis.  It’s also bad, because my government could have engineered this situation to keep its own people down so it can remain in control.  This war on the poor and middle class has always been about control.  It just so happens that our faith in our dollar is the same faith in our country.  We do not have any room or energy to have faith in Truth, Justice, and Humanity.

I’m just not too happy waking up and asking for my own death and being broken every day.  But, this is apparently what I get for being alive in this great Country of mine.  Hatred for my own existence because of my skin color, bank account, and blood line, oh and now my badge and uniform(which reinforces skin color).  I hope for a better day, but when my car breaks down, and I am unable to fix it at $10 an hour, $400 is a week of work (not counting taxes), and that $400 is my food and other bills that I  don’t get kickbacks for.  My elected officials get kickbacks all the time, but they usually millionaires and they wrote the code for themselves, not for me and the common man.

We the people care when one of our own commits suicide, because we feel a personal loss, we feel like humanity isn’t as full any more.  Those at the top are probably incapable of real human feelings, so with something that echos delight, each death gives them more money, and it makes us, feel somewhat like they do, if only briefly.  How do I know this?

Private interest rules this nation, they also write bills and our checks.  Private interest refused to compensate us for the increase in the cost of living, and worse yet they do everything in their power to make  sure the health of the nation is an industry and not about quality of life.  The federal government has to be complacent in this, because they cannot do anything to stop it, not when they are part of it, especially at the top most levels.  This is life though.

Nobody can stop it, and nobody is guaranteed anything except that which their Father of creation gave them.  But once we were born, we were placed into the hands of our fathers, who then sold us to wicked men for comfort.  This is the nature of things.  Nobody can stop it.

So I try to draw and work on my plans, but doing what I love hurts me mentally, so I have only one choice, to end it all, or let it all end.  I would like to draw my characters a few more times before I lose everything.


Strangeness and Charm