Whew, what a couple of weeks/months its been.  I’ve had family come in town, and I’m still trying to (re)find my artistic voice.  I go through these periods where I don’t produce any electronic art.  I still continue my sketchbook tales of Synthetic Wisdom, its mostly Spinach and Clint talking to each other.  Well, it’s Spinach trying to find his purpose by reinforcing what he’s done.  Clint has gotten a but nicer.    I recently spoke to my friend who is a master woodworker, he is my only local artistic support.  He’s helping me to love art, or rather for me to understand the artist inside.  I feel it’s locked up, I just need to find the key so to speak.  The Moosehead I bought today doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t help really.  Its dulling the anxiety I feel regarding this.  I’ve taken a few anti-anxiety meds since I returned from the mountains, but 2/3 have caused an allergic reaction, and the third one, causes more anxiety.  I’ve talked to a psychiatrist about it, but she didn’t seem to have the patience to actually help me.   I might just circumvent her altogether and talk to my GP about more options.  I don’t want to be on meds, but these past few days are becoming unbearable.  I fell awful, and I feel like I’m right on the edge to breaking down.  When I have to go the store i’m fine, well I pretend I am, because I like people, it’s myself that’s the problem.    Does therapy work?  I’d like to think so, but I don’t know any more.  I like my therapist, he and I have great conversations, but I’m unhappy since I’m not making the strides I want .


My next step is to work out.  I have a gym next to one of my clients that’s about $10 a month.  Which is the same price as Comcast’s HD technology fee, which no one told me about.  The box was free (0$/month), as soon as I activated it, I got hit with that fee.  I don’t think that is fair or right.  I am really hoping that Google and Century Link merge so that Google fiber can assimilate Century Links lines (they have fiber optic in my area…they just can’t run a line directly to my house, whats the point then?).  I wouldn’t be upset if I had lots of money to lose, but I haven’t had a raise in over 3 years.  I’m actually making less money with roughly the same bills.  I’m supposed to take over the company I’m working for by the end of this year, but with my current state of anxiety I don’t see that happening.  It  will happen, either this year or next, but as it stands I feel like I’m falling apart.  This is why I was never promoted beyond grunt, my employers knew something that I didn’t, until now.  My friends love video games too much to talk to me.  I can’t afford to be the gamer I used to be, that and most games don’t interest me anymore.  How could they when I’m under a constant attack?  Thank God for Minecraft and the modding community though(still running Infinity 1.4.1).  I wish I could give them my notes, but meh, I’m trying to focus on cartooning, not game design.  If I do not learn to focus my creativity it will overwhelm and destroy, much like it’s doing now.


I’ll return later, hopefully with some better news.  In the meantime, I wish you success and good luck with all of your endeavors.


Massacre Birthday