For many years I have sought an ideal of perfection, and I am not unique in this, but my perfection has a course that feels both free(chaotic) and guided at the same time. It is that latter portion that at first comprised a system of logic by making choices and at times become a slave to, but it all made sense. It was at this time that I was so focused on this inner search that I did not notice that my mind was full of darkness.

 

I remember once when I was younger I had my eyes closed to sleep, I think I was in late middle school or early high school, anyway, I was thinking about a cars headlights turning towards me and I saw a bright flash and anxiety filled me, as if the car was about to hit me, my mind was reeling at this possibility of manifesting light from within. The manifesting or me doing it for some reason was not a concern of mine, I was after that light.

 

After that, high school, without a focus, save for video games and self guided shamanism (towards the end o’ skool), I was doomed to retain that lack of focus. During that time certain dreams now realized as goals wallowed in its own crapulence, over time that would grow and fester into a decade long depression. The path I want to walk is via creativity and productions, so I can tell stories (I also have moar books to write) to help liberate people by showing them how philosophy can help them.

 

As for my real world craft, my lack of focus played out as I spent time in retail and not going to school, which still to this day I do not know what to focus on, as philosophy makes everything interesting, from women’s studies (based solely upon on textbook I’ve read), to the Torah (although 613 commandments is a bit much, thank you Jesus!), to climates/genetical engineering, to trying to find the most efficient way ending conflicts, oh I even like aeronautics, space engineering, the list goes on and on.

 

Cartooning to me, right now, is very frightening. The entire art world frightens and confuses me, no, I understand a good deal, perhaps the basics of, at least the need for it, (thank you Philosophy), but I feel like I haven’t been allowed into it yet, as in, I am still more of a writer than a visual artist. Writing to me isn’t an artform unless its applied, I mainly do stream of consciousness which is why I don’t like editing my works. When I apply it, I usually do not like it (editing), it brings up feelings of shame and sadness brought upon by my past when I was in real long mental malaise.

 

Well, to be honest, I don’t think depression is supposed to leave you, it can only be managed and ignored, or overcome, and that matter is always of the utmost importance to anyone’s survival. My depression made worry about humanity, and it crushing weight. That extra weight of Christos (and the Rabbi), but the initial depression was also the first step of wisdom, or at least attempting it, it is a mighty step, but it is a crucial one. To know thy self. That depressive voice tells you that you are nothing, that you are useless, and you will never amount to anything, and for me its your art is terrible, and its hard to tell whats worse my writing or my (stink)inking. It reminds me also that I am alone and that I will never meet anyone who will accept me, and that I don’t deserve love, for some reason everyone else does, but me, and if I DO find another significant they will tear my heart out and leave me, and to be honest, I try to consider every interaction(s) with people and form a relationship with them ranging from enemy(this list grows thanks to depression on the job) to friend(which seems to dwindle thanks to depression caused by the job from the job) to well it hasn’t really gone beyond that because I was so preoccupied with my depression. Also, I don’t like just anyone I meet, I am very picky because I have to weigh so many outcomes based on social dynamics with an allowance outliers and growth, that it would ruin everyone elses idea of life, but then again that was because Philosophy and depression have A LOT in common.

 

I still despise myself and do not see any future if I stay alone. I know that I will begin drawing again will which make me happy but emotionally scared. Philosophy was something I just barreled through because I (ab)used depression and shamanism as my aides. My friends supported me, and I had my outbursts and times where I faced explusion, by my idea that the house was much more than a house, it is a House. That essay on Houses will be fun! Or not, because if its this long, nobody will read it. Just like nobody reads this :P, remember I am an awful terrible human being that doesn’t love, oh and as an added bonus, my views on women are all twisted and bent and all of those thoughts bear bitter fruit and even more bitter seeds.

 

I know those thoughts are just based off the fact that the few women, strange, wonderful, bent by their own upbringing into my eyes and hearts perfection, and they all taught me many things before they left. I do not regret any relationship with them, and I am forever in their (and their Queens) debt for heir service in helping them through certain portions of life. My only chance of repayment is that if they remember me and our time it was good. I’ve always been grateful for all women, its just that some have to take precedence. If my relationship with God (the Creator, aka that force which created me), which comprises the concept of Jesus the Christ, the Church, Existential/Political Angsts, and the constant fluctuation of intuition/thoughts/actualities, was different and I asked Him for someone special to help me so I can continue to serve females and males alike, especially because the sanctuary a significant other provides from the harsh and unforgiving world of man and His “reality”, I’m sure it would be granted.

 

As for now its still one of the many depressive phrases that I agree with at this time. The others I can be dismissive of because I can put them off long enough to just enjoy the moment. I hate the fact I am not working on a comic right now, but I sketched out another project and wrote this blog, and I did some stuff in Minecraft which gaming has taught me is a great way to get a dopamine kick, and since Minecraft on PC is virtual real life Legos with nuclear reactors (and computational storage systems, and space travel, and more!!) I am able to build and create at the same time. I consider all of these minor victories.

 

Oh and my relationship on my family is strained as when I talk to them I feel like I have no humanity, but this is getting better as other relationships worsen. Give and take those small victories. Philosophy also teaches about the importance of Creation, and to me it is the breast way to honor that which made me. I continue the cycle of creation, which I think why people are against homosexuality. There is still a portion of us that feels the need to keep creating people and they dwell on it, like I do on my mental focal points perverting it into bearing bitter fruits. Depression also gives me impulse control, although at times it doesn’t, but that would be easier if I was able to either find a new job(unrealistic), hope to get benefits and see a therapist and pay for their response, support, and medication(unrealistic), or find a way to rekindle my love or improve the situation.

 

I have that idea sketched out, but my depression keeps me from announcing it. I need to work on it more, but over a decade of depression philosophy has taught me how to deal with systems. So in the meantime I have to just enjoy what I have done (except for that last comic, yikes!), and allow a break from cartooning until I can reenter the art world. I did find a guide up here, but my insanity keeps that person far away, as if on the other side of the cosmos. It’s funny, whenever I am with that guide I just think of how each and every word increases my understanding and more importantly appreciation.

 

This is wrong, I have to learn this on my own, so any infatuation clouded my judgment and filled me with anxiety because there was just so much I wanted to ask and explore, and was hoping that this was the one. But, I was wrong, I can only speculate why this cannot be, but I take full responsibility because I am not ready for that kind of instruction. I don’t have enough knowledge of relationships to make any real logical assessment other than the rate I find interesting people and lose them is astounding. I am supposed to be alone I guess, it sucks, but with depression I am never alone. Oh and since God created me, and I created my depression, the father, the son, and the holy ghost of depression are going to be just fine.

 

As for the rest of the world, I have to put that God’s hands, because the entire complexity of all the systems at work that comprise the organized chaos that is the status quo, is too much to bear. That burden is insanity, no wonder why politicians are corrupt, they are overcompensating from the actual stress of the job, their comfort is more importance than my lack of health insurance. Politicians have an aide to that; and my depression has become like a dark lover, (Wisdom is the Light, btw), so both of these keep me far away from even seeking help. Luckily wisdom and depression are so similar so I actually learned a lot along the way, and learned how at this time I am unable to emotionally support my self, BUT I can manage my depression. If I made more money or had more guarantees the real world wasn’t bleeding itself towards a technological revolution, things might be better. But as it stands the comfort of some is worth not increase the wages and now the hours of the worker for comfort, but we are here to transform the darkness into light.

 

So I cartoon, I write, I awkwardly try(read super fail) and meet women, and I do many other talents I am too tired to mention, like cooking and cleaning, my two Household lovers. Oh and for me specifically I search for the Truth of Truths. I want to know the Source of Where it all Came from. This is how I stumbled upon Christos. And that little boy grew up to be, this wretched manchild cartoonist writing this electronic missive not a soul will read!

 

And now you know the rest of the story.

 

Oh and I wish you the best of luck on all of your projects and self help, try reading some philosophy and study what is crushing yourself. It helped me.

 

-Mr.Schwo

I’ve got a feeling that its all gone, but im ok, I walked away, but my hearts still beating.